Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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