Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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