you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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