No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
