please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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