shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize