Your tits are I can't wait for
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
