Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
