did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
