I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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