Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
