Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
