My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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