im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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