It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
