Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
