i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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