apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
