I need to stop coming to work sober
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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