God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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