somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
