Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
