Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
