i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
