I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
