He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
