remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
