some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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