Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
