It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize