I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
