i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
