I've blown a few things in my day
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
