Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
