Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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