Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
