This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
