Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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