ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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