yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
