I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
