I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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