when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
