How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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