im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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