I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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