$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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