My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
