im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
