I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
