The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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