I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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