I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
