Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
