i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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