I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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