Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
