So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
